So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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