i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
