I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
