he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dignity is for republicans.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
