How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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