i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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