Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
