Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
