we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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