I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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