the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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