I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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