Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
