and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
