Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just google imaged poop.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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