why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
