Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
