I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
