my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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