I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
