I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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