Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
