I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Couch. On fire.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
