Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
