Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
