I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
