i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
