I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
ttyl tear gas
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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