Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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