Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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