it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
