mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How does it feel to date your dad?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
