My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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