apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
