Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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