This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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