no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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