I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
