Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
