I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
