You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
