I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
