Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
