god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
