I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
