he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
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