mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
