home. puking in laundry basket.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
