is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
