If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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