Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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