My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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