Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
