cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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