I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
