Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
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If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
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WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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