What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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