They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
