i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
bring money and cleavage
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
