You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
